The Short Hairs and Who's Got You By Them

Just in case you needed reminding.

So I'm an Alliant Credit Union customer because I think I want to strike a blow against the big evil banks by not giving them my puny business.  And two years ago I have a couple of insufficient funds episodes and as punishment they take away my web deposit privileges.

Now, for those of you unfamiliar with this feature, web deposit lets you scan in your checks and submit them for deposit over the web.  For many institutions, this might not be a critical service, but when you are with Alliant Credit Union, which has no physical banks anywhere and relies on a network of allied banks most of which do not exist anymore, the only way to deposit checks is web deposit.  Well, you could fly to Chicago, where they do have one actual building, but that seems inefficient.

Completely aside from the inconvenience of there being no easy way to GIVE THEM YOUR MONEY SO THEY CAN INVEST IT AND MAKE MONEY FOR THEMSELVES, it's fucking ridiculous for banks to be "punishing" their customers in this way when they bounce a check.  The fees alone are punitive.  Are they British public schools where they take away "privileges" when you misbehave?

Well, I was barred from web deposit for 6 months.  Six months!  Six months in which I had to search and search high and low for some place where I could actually deposit a payheck.  I called them, I reasoned with them, but to no avail.  So, I closed my accounts and found a different bank.

I opened a checking account at TD Bank, the "friendly" bank where they stay open on Sundays.  They told me that I would have to wait 3 months before I could use their mobile deposit feature but after then I could use it all I wanted.  This sounded okay.  So I waited 3 months, and today I tried to deposit my biweekly paycheck and was told that I had "exceeded my limit" for mobile deposit.

Okay.  What the fuck does THIS mean?  Well, it turns out -- and of course they don't tell you this when you're considering opening an account with them -- that though it's true you can use mobile deposit after 90 days, you can only deposit $1,000 a day for the next three months, at which time you get to deposit the enormous sum of $2500.  

Now, I'm no Daddy Warbucks, but I do make more than $1,000 every two weeks.  So, mobile deposit is pretty much useless.  And as it turns out, the nearest TD Bank is -- you guessed it -- far fucking away.  I have to drive to it.  And there is no parking.

You might reasonably ask why they would want to make it harder for you to GIVE THEM YOUR FUCKING MONEY SO THAT THEY CAN INVEST IT IN GOD KNOWS WHAT WICKED AND FUCKED-UP CORPORATIONS AND MAKE OODLES MORE MONEY WITH WHICH TO FUCK US IN YET MORE FUCKED-UP WAYS THAN THEY ALREADY DO.  The answer is simple and it is somewhat depressing.  Stop reading now if you don't want to be bummed out.

The answer is that they figure thusly: If you've already gone to the trouble of opening an account with them, transferring your automatic payments to their bank, had some checks printed up, etc., you're going to stay with them no matter what, out of sheer inertia.  They advertise a wonderful convenience and then it turns out it doesn't exist.  So what do you do?  You drive to the ONE FUCKING TD BANK in thousands of miles and search for a parking space for an hour and deposit your money there.  And what is the result of this?  For them, absolutely nothing.  For you, inconvenience and another sweet opportunity to be fucked again.  

Why would they do something like this?  Because they can.  Because they went to a banker seminar in St. Petersburg, Fla., and learned the ins and outs of the bait and switch.  They learned that you entice customers with the promise of goodies that you never have any intention of delivering, and that 81.6% of the sad little fuckers you shaft in this way will stay with you anyway.

And what, you ask, can you do about this?  Absolutely nothing.  Because they've got you by the short hairs and they know it and you know it and every fucking transvestite and baptist minister, every salami slicer and dog poop collector, every farmer greenjeans and jelly roll morton from sea to shining sea knows it too. 

How does that make you feel?  Maybe it doesn't make you feel anything, which means for all intents and purposes you're dead.  Maybe it makes you feel proud to be an American, in which case you really should be dead.  And maybe, just maybe, it pisses you off.

I am really pissed off, and, short of putting all my wads of dough in a mattress, there seems to be damn little I can do about it.  

Which of course doesn't improve my mood in the least.